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Jan 31

Ive gained and lost a hundred stone and Im now at my heaviest but Im happy – iNews

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LifestyleWellbeingAt 43, and 18 stone, Ive gained freedom from crash diets and the constant panic that the weight might return

Wednesday, 29th January 2020, 5:14 pm

I had to get this fat to be grateful for what Ive discovered. At 43, and 18 stone, Ive gained freedom: from crash diets; from constant panic the weight might return; from worry my life will end if Im not the right weight; from constant thoughts of forbidden foods, until the inevitable binge, and guilt that would follow.

I also see my world hasnt ended. My partner still loves me. Im still a decent radio presenter, working at talkRADIO, and my dogs still wag their tails when I arrive home.

It started in my childhood. A misdiagnosis of a heart problem meant I was put on my first diet aged eight, which meant constant calorie counting and supervision of all food. I rebelled by secretly eating cakes and chocolates, and by 16 I was 17 stone with a relationship with food based on secrecy, guilt, and anxiety.

Ruthlessly strict calorie counting

I first lost weight in my twenties, through ruthlessly strict calorie counting, training, and being militant with both my regime and diet. But the more I deprived myself of the food I wanted, the more Id think about it until eventually Id give in. Id convince myself that I could have a chocolate bar as a treat. But once Id eaten that one, Id end up having another. And another.

Inevitably, my weight crept up. Just half a stone at first. Then Id panic and go back on a strict diet of misery and deprivation, and that half a stone would come off. This cycle of starving myself versus stuffing myself would continue in my thirties until it turned from half a stone repeatedly gained and lost, to a stone, two stone, and before I knew it, five or six stone at a time.

I went to the doctor about my yo-yo dieting, but in my experience the NHS arent interested until you need a gastric band. And along with every diet I did came a punishing workout/gym regime, either on my own, or, when I started doing well, with personal trainers. Ive had about 10 PTs over the years and spent thousands, all to end up back at square one.

Meanwhile, the diets I was choosing became more and more extreme. Id use low calorie, low carb, Atkins, Dukan, food combining, fasting, detoxes, shakes, soups and simple starvation. Despite all this I would always end up bingeing, and always, ultimately, end up gaining more back.

Plagued with thoughts of banned food

My most recent four-stone loss came in 2016 from a shake- and soup-based ketogenic diet. I spent months barely eating real food, and when I did, it was just protein. I looked great, but I was constantly fearful that Id gain weight and was plagued with thoughts of the foods Id banned myself from eating, until one day, after a year of deprivation, I gave in.

I ate one of the blueberry muffins Id walked past in the office canteen, and resisted, countless times before. Biting into that delicious sugary sponge brought back every emotion around food Id been suppressing, guilt, anger at myself for ruining it all and a promise to be stricter tomorrow.

Within months, Id gained back the four stone, and more, to put my weight at the highest its ever been.

Weary of it all and in my worst ever mental state, I finally chose to spend money on my brain, rather than my belly, starting cognitive behavioural therapy to get to the root cause of why, when Id done so much to lose weight, I was once again so fat? Had I not had the money for my own CBT, Id still be in the mess I was in.

CBT revealed that crash diets were the problem

One of the main lessons of CBT is to challenge all-or-nothing thinking, and encourage rational, instead of negative pre- programmed thoughts. I finally realised that far from helping me, every single restrictive crash diet was actually making me eat more.

The moment Id stray, the immediate negative narrative and subsequent resolution to be even more restrictive the next day meant I was actually giving myself the green light to eat more. I now challenge that narrative that I am worthless when I am bigger and that my life should stop when I am. If I hadnt got to this weight, how would I have discovered this?

Its not always easy. I sometimes have to use all my CBT knowledge to ignore the latest diet trend, and remind myself, its not a solution.

And something else has changed, too. By knowing I can have that muffin and the world wont end, I dont want it as much. For the first time, I have a biscuit jar, which actually has biscuits in as I dont eat every single one. As a result of ditching fads, my weight, although high, has remained constant for two years. Ive spent 30 years either gaining or losing and now, for the first time ever, I am a steady, albeit high, weight.

There's a place for treats in a healthy diet

Whats also encouraging is that there are now successful fitness professionals employing the non-restrictive philosophy, such as James Smith, whose best-selling Not a Diet Book challenges the diet industry.

Why would we have a life without the foods we enjoy? he tells me. I dont think we should make a case for consuming treats, but make one against those who say you never should. I want people to reduce their food intake slowly and have the muffin if they want it. I tell my clients, one hot day doesnt make a summer. A treat or two wont ruin your long-term plan, its part of human nature. Its normal. And if they have one, just do a few extra steps the next day.

So now Im not on anyones strict plan, Im eating well, but having that muffin if I want it. I am reading about sustainable long-term methods which arent too strict. I now get it. I am vlogging and Instagramming it as I want others to know they can do it too. I hope I succeed, as I want to be healthy and feel better. But if I dont, Ive had success already. Because I know I will have days when I am not perfect. But those days wont mean Ive failed.

Read more from the original source:
Ive gained and lost a hundred stone and Im now at my heaviest but Im happy - iNews

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