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May 19

Home is my nightmare; where theres always food and Im alone with my negative thoughts – Maclean’s

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During coronavirus lockdown, food has become a central part of our lives. But for Marie Lamensch, who suffers from an eating disorder, being at home and stuck with food is like her version of hell.

Marie Lamensch, 36, is a communications and project coordinator at the Montreal Institute for Genocide and Human Rights Studies (MIGS) at Concordia University.

For most people, anorexia starts when youre a teen, but I developed an eating disorder in my late 20s. I used to have a normal relationship with food; I enjoyed cooking and eating. But for the last 10 years, its been up and down. At one point, I lost so much weight that I couldnt walk anymore. I had to move back in with my mother.

Ireceived treatment at the Douglas Institute in Montreal. Ive learned to manage my anorexia, but its not a way to live: I dont get my periods; I cant have children; I still eat very little throughout the day because whenever I eat, I feel guilty.

Even before coronavirus, I didnt go to parties or restaurants. I avoided those situations because my biggest fear is being surrounded by food. Im scared that if Im near food, Ill eat it and get fat. Thats what my mind says, anyway.

MORE:I am lonelier than I have ever been. No one has touched me in five weeks.

I also avoided being home. I used to get up at 6:30 a.m., work out at the gym for at least an hour, bike to my job, work non-stop and leave the office quite late.

During this quarantine, people on social media have been sharing tons of advice on wellness and self-care at home. The content thats been put out there assumes that everyones idea of home is the same; that home is a safe place. That isnt the case for me. Home is my nightmare; where theres always food and Im alone with my body and my negative thoughts. Now that Im at home all the time, I try to be as far away from the kitchen as possible. I also always have sound ona podcast or musicso I dont have to listen to my own thoughts about hunger. I always try to distract myself.

The strange thing about anorexia is that I am attracted to food shows and magazines because Im always so hungry. I enjoy reading or watching because I know I can close the magazine or turn off the TV. But right now, wherever I look theres food. On the web, theres articles about baking bread or how to stock up your pantry. Even Quebecs public health director baked pastel de natas to relieve stress. It seems like cooking is calming a lot of people down, but for me, its the exact oppositeit stresses me out.

MORE:Quarantine nation: Inside the lockdown that will change Canada forever

After a decade living with an eating disorder, Ive forgotten what normal food portions look like. I eat very small amounts at a time. If you asked me to eat a whole apple, Id be full after half of it.I even dont remember what pasta tastes like.

Thats why it drives me nuts when I see people posting about weight loss or diets during quarantine. At the Douglas Institute, I learned that any type of food restriction can be detrimental. One of the reasons I developed anorexia is because of dieting and limiting what I allowed myself to eat. I lost control.

During the first week of lockdown, the food hoarding made me panic. Grocery stores are always scary places for people with eating disorders. I get overwhelmed by an abundance of food, but the idea of shortages is just as frightening because I survive on a narrow variety of fruits and vegetables like watermelon, lettuce and strawberries. The thought of not having access to these items worries me.

The gym was part of my everyday life, so when the YMCA closed, I started exercising outside. After a week of running on concrete, my feet got swollen and I couldnt walk for three weeks.This was a wakeup call because I realized how much anorexia has hurt my body. At first, eating disorders are like your best friend;a constant companion. But now I know its my enemyI just need to figure out how to beat it.

I talk to my parents almost every day and theyre really supportive. I have a couple friends who have had anorexia and we support each other. During the pandemic, Anorexia and Bulimia Qubec (ANEB) has also been hosting weekly online chats thatve been really helpful. Being in quarantine has brought so much disruption to my life that I reach out to my family, friends and support systems like ANEB now more than I ever have.

There have been some positive outcomes that have come out of being stuck at home. Lockdown has forced me to confront my fearsI was scared of being around the fridge and pantry because I thought Id binge eat, I was afraid of what would happen to my body if I didnt exercise, and I was afraid of not having structure, which is important to people living with anorexia. Im learning that this new routine is okay, even though it looks really different from my life pre-pandemic.

Ive learned that I can break the unhealthy habits Ive developed by enjoying other activities that give me joy, like reading or drawing.Im hoping that in the long term, this experience will help me get better. Im finding ways to control my fears, instead of letting them control me.

As told to Ishani Nath

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Home is my nightmare; where theres always food and Im alone with my negative thoughts - Maclean's

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