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Home » Fitness » The FBI Fitness App Defeated Me – GQ

At-home fitness is, unfortunately, having a moment. Everyone has vowed to become super hot and super fit during this period of social distancing, right? So, for some reason, the Federal Bureau of Investigation decided they had to get a piece of the current workout madness: Whatever junior-level paper pusher that runs the FBIs Twitter account tweeted out a link to the Bureaus physical fitness test app on Monday. My first thought was that this represented the moment that socially distanced fitness jumped the shark. My second though was to see if I had what it takes to be an agent.

Its worth mentioning here that the app asks for some wildly invasive access to your phoneostensibly to time your runs via GPS. Right. Luckily, this handy Special Agent Selection Process brochure has all of the same Physical Fitness Test (PFT) protocols in it, if you want to keep your options to run an international drug syndicate or what have you.

Theres not much to the app, and its similarly a straightforward, old-school test. Do as many continuous sit-ups as you can in 60 seconds, run 300 meters, do as many continuous push ups as you can in 60 seconds, run 1.5 miles, and, if youre in the Tactical Recruitment Program (TRP), max out on pull-ups. Since I am (a) not in the TRP and (b) social distancing doesnt exactly mix with doing pull-ups at a crowded playground, I skipped pullups. (Also I can only do approximately 1.5 pullups.)

The exercises are done in the order mentioned above on a 400-meter regulation track, with five minutes rest between. But for our purposes I hit the Hudson River Greenway in Manhattan for a 1.5 miler followed by 300 meters with a Garmin GPS watch, then I did situps and pushups in the comfort of my apartment. The test is scored by each individual event. Notch 12 points and you pass. On to Quantico.

After my warmup, as I waited to start my 1.5 miler, a fit young dude walked by wearing a backpack with 45 pounds worth of weights on it. Very Mad Max. I asked himfrom six feet awaywhat he was doing. Pool is closed, so I cant swim, he said. Walking five miles every-other-day with 45 pounds on my back to stay fit.

Were all acclimating to this new normal. I found out yesterday that the spring marathon I was going to run was, thankfully, canceled. (Every runner you encounter on a Zoom call over the next four months will tell you this exact same thing, unsolicited.) My goal for the 1.5 miler was to break 10 minutes, which would give me six points and a solid head start on 12. I clocked in at 10:06 (there was a headwind), which gave me five.

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The FBI Fitness App Defeated Me - GQ

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Home » Fitness » The FBI Fitness App Defeated Me – GQ