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Home » How to lose weight safely » Partying with the OR crowd – New Bern Sun Journal

In the history community, it seems like everyone over 50 is getting a shoulder replacement. I have never been one to buck a tradition so I of course went to Dr. Bill Wheatley and signed up to get one done.

Besides, from my childhood up I have collected a marvelous collection of surgical scars, especially on my legs. Mapquest has officially approved using my left leg as a navigation guide through parts of Raleigh. Remember to hang only a slight right at my knee if you want to make it to the art museum!

So my right shoulder is getting some nice catch-up time.

Surgery is great stuff. First, you have a chance to lose weight nothing to eat after midnight and, who knows, what they dig out may weigh more than what they put in! Also, you get to try out new beds. The first one they put me on this past Wednesday morning was ridiculously narrow and the mattress was thin. Plenty of pillows, though, and while the blankets were rather plain, they nicely warmed. Over my head the florescent light cover gave me a picture of hummingbirds and flowers to admire.

IV in I am no fan of needles but Ive learned to tolerate these because its the only way they have to give you anesthesia, unless theres a concrete block somewhere near by holding a door.

Anesthesia, by the way, is named after one of the last Tzars daughters you know, Anesthesia, the girl that legend kept saying may have escaped the Communists and gone into hiding in Europe, until they verified her remains in Russia a few years ago. Legend says she kept a journal that was so dull that Rasputin used it as a means to make his patients drowsy and numb when he was doing things like pulling their teeth, curing their hemophilia or giving them the crazy eye.

My anesthesiologist who I hear is much more fun at parties than Anesthesia was told me he would put in a pain block that would all but free me from pain by numbing my shoulder for the first day. I was all for this until I learned he aimed to give it to me while I was awake using needles and machinery designed by an oil production company and drilling into my neck.

He promised I wouldnt mind it would only take five minutes, which is 12 hours in screaming patient time. I had been given some medicine just before this that was supposed to make me feel loopy and not care, but the IV attempt had not been successful.

This thing where nurses have a hard time finding my veins is getting as old as the guy whose advancing age is the cause of it (namely, me). I can remember when dating Roberta, herself a nurse, when the thing she seemed to admire most was how easily she could find my veins.

At least she said she was a nurse. I am thinking she has some ancestry in Transylvania, though.

Well, they gave me the shot again and I have to admit it worked. I dont remember another thing until recovery room.

Recovery is weird. You generally only remember bits of it, like jigsaw puzzle pieces floating past you in a river of softened blueberry sorbet, because you are hopelessly wigged out and thats how a mind on drugs remembers things. In all my surgeries, climbing my way out of anesthesia felt like wading through Jell-O.

I can remember when hospitals kept you in-house, monitoring you for three or four days before releasing you, but of course now we have insurance companies who know more about recovery than doctors do. You stay a night, until the pain block starts to fade, and first thing next morning they ship you home.

My recovery so far has been awkward: I am right-handed and of course thats the hand thats in a sling. My typing has gone to 40 EPM(errors per minute) and when I try to feed myself my 2-year-old grandson mocks my Jackson Pollock-like results.

I will be in this hopelessly winged condition for a month or more recovery from a shoulder replacement is slow.

But, overall the pain is not nearly what I feared. I look forward to the freedom of movement Ill have down the road, and how nicely Ill fit in with all my history wing-busted friends. So if you attend your next book club and all the members are sitting around with an arm in a sling then turn around and leave. Netflix is calling you home.

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Partying with the OR crowd - New Bern Sun Journal

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Home » How to lose weight safely » Partying with the OR crowd – New Bern Sun Journal