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Mar 12

This is who I am: Transgender and nonbinary youth document their own lives – Columbia Missourian

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Participants in this project were given a disposable film camera and a journal. They were asked to chronicle their own lives as transgender and nonbinary young people living in Missouri. From left: Jay, 16, he/him; Zari, 21, she/they/he and Josie, 21, she/her; Miles, 16, he/him; and Peter, 17, they/them. Tristen Rouse/Missourian

On Jan. 31, the Missouri Senates Emerging Issues Committee heard six bills, all seeking to force transgender children to participate in sports that match their sex listed on their birth certificate rather than their gender identity. Those bills likely outnumbered the number of transgender children even seeking to play youth sports. The week prior, a House committee crammed eight anti-LGBTQ bills including those that criminalized drag shows on public property and bills that criminalized gender-affirming health care for minors into a single hearing. Opponents were given less than 25 hours notice.

This session, Missouri has turned into a hotbed of anti-LGBTQ legislation. A database maintained by the American Civil Liberties Union shows that, in 2023, more anti-LGBTQ bills have been filed byMissouri lawmakers than nearly any other state legislature.And, after years of such legislation passing the House and stalling in the Senate, Senate leaderships seems poised to make such bills a priority.

Missouris proposed anti-LGBTQ legislation is part of a national trend. In the last three years, 18 states have banned transgender children from participating in school sports that match their identity. Five states have passed restrictions on gender-affirming health care. Supporters of these bills tend to frame them around the idea of saving womens sports. Critics of these bills often point to existing policies that regulate transgender childrens participation in sports and the importance of gender-affirming health care in decreasing suicide rates among transgender kids.

Participating in sports helps form the stories of people's lives as do things like playing in a marching band, working a first-time job and joining in local activism.

Between March and December 2022, the Columbia Missourian gave disposable cameras and journals to five transgender and nonbinary Missourians, aged 16-21, and asked them to tell their own stories. They gave us these pictures.

"My transness is something that I will always hold dearly, a part of me that has given me an entirely new perspective on the world. Cisgender individuals will never be able to fully understand what it's like to be trans, what it's like to live every day having to deal with such an array of issues. I had been out as transgender for a year and a half before starting my medical transition. Throughout that time, I faced so many issues that cisgender people don't even have to think about. Being followed into the men's bathroom, never knowing if I should group myself with the boys or the girls in class, getting a job for the first time and having to deal with customers constantly misgendering me and calling me maam, having to out myself to people because otherwise they never would have known I was a man, and so many more things I had to deal with every single day.

"I started taking testosterone on April 23, 2022, a day I will never forget. Although I was so happy and excited to have started testosterone, for a few months after, I started feeling hopeless. I was continually misgendered at work and school. I had experienced the misgendering by strangers for two years prior to starting testosterone, but it became different after starting it. I felt like I was injecting testosterone into my thigh every week for nothing. I had no changes for months, my voice didn't change, I didnt grow facial hair, nothing. I had never felt more hatred for my transness, I just wanted to be a boy without having to do so much work. Finally, after over 6 months on testosterone, my voice started dropping and I started seeing so many changes I couldn't even keep up with them. I got gendered correctly at work for the first time and I almost started crying from happiness. Trans joy to me is being gendered correctly, being seen as a man by complete strangers. Ever since Ive started consistently passing, Ive grown to love my transness again. I love connecting with other trans people on a deeper level. I love being a man. I love advocating for myself and my identity. I love the way my transness lets me see the world so much differently. I love being trans."

Jay, 16, he/him

This is the declaration of me.

Escapism that I achieve through poetry.

In God we trust.

In water I rust.

Im drowning in half tales.

Stress causing me to break my nails.

Will I ever be able to live my truth?

I want to harvest this plant right from the root.

I am scared to water it out of fear of judgement.

So my plant will die and be covered by cement.

I can chalk it up but rain will wash it.

This is who I am & I am innocent.

A poem from Zari's project journal

"Ive been thinking about activism a lot recently. I really enjoy standing up for trans rights, but there are other things I would rather do. I care so much about the environment and animals and for people with disabilities, and I think these are things I would rather be involved in. I want to be involved with trans rights, but not known for it. Or I would want to be known for it but not that I was trans. Because I feel like if people know Im trans then its like Of course you care about it, you are trans. But I dont want it to be seen that way. I just want to be myself and stand up for trans rights without being seen as trans. Because I dont see myself as trans, really. I just see myself as myself. Like, Im just a boy."

An excerpt from Miles project journal

I live in a small, conservative town. There are few people who are openly queer, and many people are afraid of any scrutiny they will experience if they do come out. I was very aware the queer community in my school was very hidden, and there was not a big support group for them. Because of this, I decided to team up with two of my teachers so I could start my school's GSA (Gender and Sexuality Alliance). The first day we had it, ten to fifteen students showed up. The majority of them were in the schools junior high. Not long after the meeting ended, the superintendent visited one of the teachers involved in the GSA. He told her that we could not have any junior high kids in the group according to district policy. I checked the district policy, and it said nothing about who could be in the club. It said the club had to be started by a student in either eleventh or twelfth grade (I was a junior, so I was not breaking any rules), but there was nothing else about age. The main reason the superintendent got involved was that there was a small uproar about there being a GSA at school. Many parents said it would turn their kids gay and that they did not want that sort of influence on them. If you want to know what it is like being openly queer in a small town, that pretty much sums it up.

Peter, 17, they/them

This project is inspired by the principles of participant photography, a sociological research method intended to empower individuals, through photography, to document and share their own lived experiences.

The Missourian has withheld the last names of those who participated in this project as a safety precaution. Midway through the project, one participant requested their entire name be withheld, as they are preparing to apply to colleges and were concerned their public participation in the project could negatively impact their admissions. Throughout this article, they have been given thepseudonym Peter.

The Missourian thanks those who participated in this project, all of whom generously devoted months of time and energy to it.

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This is who I am: Transgender and nonbinary youth document their own lives - Columbia Missourian

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